Homemade Pizza

A Joke

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around
where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, ”What the heck did you put on this pizza?”

The delivery man bows deeply and says, ”We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.”

The Recipe

Sauce

1 can (6 ounces) tomato paste

1 can (28-ounce) whole peeled San Marzano tomatoes, drained well

1 / 4 cup red wine

2 tbsp grated parmesan cheese

2 clove garlic

2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp sugar

1/4 tsp pepper

1 tbsp basil

1 tsp oregano

2 tbsp olive oil

1 / 2 tsp crushed red pepper

Combine all ingredients and pulse till smooth in the bowl of your food processor. Makes enough for two pizzas with enough extra to use for dipping.

Dough

1 pkg active dry yeast

1 1 / 4 cups filtered water

3 1 / 4 cups bread flour

1 tsp kosher salt

1 tbsp honey

1 tbsp olive oil

Add the honey to the water and heat till just warm. Bloom the yeast in the water honey mixture.

Wisk the flour and salt to combine. Add the water, yeast and honey to the flour. Mix until it just comes together. Turn the dough out onto your work surface and kneed till a smooth dough forms. About 5 minutes should do.

Place the dough back into the bowl and coat with the olive oil, cover with a towel. Let rise for one hour.

Heat your oven its hottest setting.

Cut the dough in half and form two balls. Cover with a towel and let rise for half an hour.

Press the dough into two equal size pizzas. Be sure to leave enough edge to hold the sauce and toppings. Cover and let rise for ten minutes.

Top your pizzas with sauce, cheese and toppings.

Bake directly on a pizza stone for 20 to 30 minutes.

My Thoughts

This dough makes enough for two decent size pizzas.

The pizza dough is even better if you make it the day before. Mature dough always is. Before your first rise, coat the dough with olive oil, cover with parchment paper, place it in a zip top bag and pop it in the refrigerator. Two hours before you are ready to bake your pizza, take it out and continue.

If you do not have a pizza stone, pick one up. It is the only way to get really great crusts. I bake all of my bread on one.

Crispy crust tip – Take a water bottle and spray the crust of the pizza (or any bread) at three, six and ten minutes of baking.

No matter how much sauce you like on your pizza, you will have some extra. This is perfect for crust dipping or bread sticks. That recipe will have to wait for another day.

How about another Joke

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "App lied psychology."

Chinese Restaurant Sweet Rolls

A Joke

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. Shortly after we were seated, the elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places. Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

The Recipe

Dough

1 packet active dry yeast

1 Tbsp honey

1 / 4 cup filtered water

1 cup heavy cream or whole milk

3 Tbsp canola oil

1 egg

4 1 / 4 cup all-purpose flour

1 / 2 kosher salt

3 Tbsp sugar

2 Tbsp baking powder

Glaze

1 egg

2 Tbsp sugar

1 Tbsp water

Combine honey and the filtered water. Microwave for 15 seconds (you are looking for it to be slightly warm.) Stir in the yeast and let rest till the yeast blooms.

Wisk to combine the oil, egg and milk. Stir in the yeast mixture.

In a separate large bowl combine flour, salt and sugar. Add the liquids and stir till a ball forms. Knead for 3-5 min. This is very soft dough and sticky dough. Restrain yourself from adding any extra flour. Place in an oiled bowl and let rise till it doubles. Give it about 2 hrs.

Sprinkle the baking powder over your work surface. Use it in place of flour. Remove the dough and knead in the baking powder. 3 min should do.

Line a 9-inch square pan with parchment paper. Form into 9 balls and place in the pan in 3 rows of 3. You want them to just touch. Let rise till double. Give it about 30 min.

Preheat your oven to 350.

Wisk together the egg, sugar and salt. Brush over the top of the dough right before it goes in the oven.

Bake for 25 min of until they are golden brown on top.

My Thoughts

The Chinese restaurant in the town I grew up in had the best dinner rolls. These are about as close to those as I have ever been able to duplicate. A soft roll that is subtly sweet and creamy. Make extra because they are even better warmed up the next day.

Almond Lemon-Limeade

A Joke

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

The Recipe

Almond Lemon-Limeade

3 / 4 cup sugar

1 / 4 cup honey

4 to 5 cups filtered water

1 cup lemon and lime juice. (Approximately 2 each)

lemon and lime slices

1 / 4 tsp almond extract

Start by making simple syrup. Heat the sugar, honey and 1 cup of water in a small saucepan until the syrup goes clear and the sugar is dissolved. Cool completely and add almond extract, lemon and limes slices and the juice. Refrigerate.

When ready to serve, dilute by adding the remaining 3 to 4 cups of cold water and ice.

My Thoughts

Nothing says summer better then lemonade. This is a nice twist to a classic. The addition of lime gives an additional punch of flavor and color, while the honey and almond round out the tartness with some earthy undertones.

As syrup, this will keep in the refrigerator for about a week. Anything that can be made ahead of time is all right in my book.

If you are serving at a party and it may sit out for a while, make another batch ahead of time and freeze into ice cups. This will stop it from getting watered down from the ice melting. Watered down lemonade is the worst! Or, drop one into a gin and tonic. Very, very nice.

Sesame Ginger Lime Tuna Steak

A joke

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?

Because he was on a roll.

The Recipe

Sesame Ginger Lime Tuna Steak

4 Tuna steaks

2 tbsp sesame seeds

Sesame Ginger Lime Marinade

Juice of 2 limes

1 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp toasted sesame oil

1 tbsp candied (or crystallized) ginger

1 tbsp honey

2 tbsp soy sauce

1 tbsp Aleppo pepper

Pulse all marinade ingredients in food processor to combine. Add marinade to the tuna steaks in a large zip top bag. Get as much air out as possible and set in the refrigerator. Marinate for one hour for every half inch of the tuna’s thickness.

Spread the sesame seeds out on a large plate. Remove tuna from marinade and place on sesame seeds. Flip to coat.

Grill over very high heat to bring out the sesame flavor. You are looking for a nice sear. Approximately 2 to 4 minutes per side.

My Thoughts

This is a great way to add some summer flavor to the grill. Served on a toasted sesame seed bun with a great beer (say, Bell’s Oberon) and some grilled asparagus and bell pepper. This is a little slice of heaven.

I always use crystallized (or candied) ginger in my brines and marinades. The sugar balances the flavor. If you swap it for fresh ginger, you are going to want to up the honey to compensate. I also like Aleppo pepper. It has a nice tart punch of spice with little after burn. It you do not have any available, crushed red pepper works well, too.

Spaghetti O’s with Black Truffle and Sliced Franks

This nice earthy dish is an affordable way to celebrate Poisson d'Avril and welcome the birth of April.

Spaghetti O’s with Black Truffle and Sliced Franks

2 14.75 ounce cans Campbell’s Spaghetti O’s with Sliced Franks

1 tbsp fresh shaved black truffles*

1 tsp fresh chopped tarragon

1 tbsp balsamic vinegar

1 pinch fresh ground black pepper

Open cans of Spaghetti O’s and add along with the other ingredients to a large sauce pot. Heat, stirring occasionally.

Serve garnished with fresh tarragon and a nice glass of an old burgundy wine. A 2001 Pierre Usseglio CDP Deux Freres would be nice.

I hope this is the perfect addition to your April Fools Day.

*NOTE: You always want to maximize the truffle flavor, using the least amount of the ingredient as possible. So always slice into paper-thin wedges or strips. Use a truffle shaver (similar to a cheese grater) when shaving truffles.